Comedy Bentral: Turn Your Oughts into Shalls, Man

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BREAKING NEWS: REPRESENTATIVE NICK NEPTUNE (D-NC) ANNOUNCES PLANS TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNC STUDENT BODY. AT THIS JUNCTURE NEPTUNE IS ENDORSED BY THE FOLLOWING ORGANIZATIONS: QUIZNOS.

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The Comedy Bentral News VCR Is: Broken.

This just in: Siegelprov wins fifth Cagematch title. Lyn Siegel is reportedly, "pleased."

This just in: Sarah Kay has joined Urbana's National Slam Team. The competition will take place August 9-12 in Austin, Texas. Nothing is confirmed but rumor has it that Kay will be performing, "blowjob."

Breaking News: Local Legend and Father Richard Greene joins the blog world. His site, bensdads.blogspot.com, will act as a Parent Site to Comedy Bentral. Literally.

This Day In History, 1545 A.D.: Nostradamus predicts that, "In the seventy fourth month of the new millenium, in the city that is to the right of one town and to the left of all others, there will be a great thunder, two hands torn together by chaos, while the hyena's song endures, the great leader will succumb to the trade where one states what one should have said while the tower of Gerard shakes violent."

Today's Top Story: Local Singer/ Songwriter Joshua Dalton Sharp honored with position as Carolina Fever Director. When asked to comment Sharp let out a resounding, "Bling, Blog." He later added, "Blarg!"

Breaking News: According to local affiliate macaronicsandcheese.blogspot.com, "Everything is Relate. A part is good after it is confirmed to do what kind of thing." More on that as it develops................................................................

This just in: A recent study conducted by the University of Wisconsin-Madison asks the public whether they would rather eat their "own organs" or listen to "University of North Carolina student C.C. Pearce tell jokes". 68% of Americans opted for the organ-eating. For more information on this study please visit risingcomic.blogspot.com.

CAC 40 4137.28 37.01 0.9% | NIKKEI 225 11146.97 119.03 1.08% | FTSE100 4994.9 23.4 0.47%

This Just In: Recent study finds stock exchange boring as fuck. A related Gallup Opinion Poll paradoxically finds, "Fucking less boring than stock exchange."

Today, In Gossip: Disembodied Head of Ben Greene seen in small West Coast CafÃ© with Disembodied Head of Eleanor Roosevelt. Rumors of an affair are afloat.

This just in: Capture the Flag: The Movie draws 1.4 hundred dollars at box office; a 4,380% profit.

This Just In: Administrators at Comedy Bentral run out of variations of phrase "This Just In." Fear redundancy.

To sumbit news to Comedy Bentral's "News Ticker", send to Lamey McLame, email address RGreene100@AOL.com

Friday, February 27, 2009

Turn Your Oughts into Shalls, Man

A few days ago I woke up from a dream laughing.

In the dream I was sitting at a dinner table with God and an invented daughter of God. God's daughter was talking about an essay she had written.
"Yeah, it wasn't really that good-- there were lots of oversights in it," she said.
Then God interjected, "But honey, tell him about how good the essay was when you were finished working on it."
God's daughter sighed. "Well, in the end the essay was perfect. Because my dad has magical powers and he edited it for me."